I know I am deeply blessed by God.
I am kind of a loud type of person, do things which people feel weird but which are deeply satisfying and important to me as a person. Individualist and creative people are never understood. The problem is that they don’t care about what society thinks about them, a big problem for society because they ride over unnecessary social laws. I push my limits so I can extend my boundaries. I can fit in easily but still I can’t fit in. People still consider me alien or at least not a usual person. I know I am not like others and that is what makes me special and I really cherish that but I hate it when people point out my weaknesses which aren’t that important to be discussed, they are not weaknesses, just a different perspective. I talk aloud, mark my mark and leave people making them think too much. Proud to people, very humble inside and in this mix gets ignored at most of the places.
Everybody wants appreciation for their contribution and its okay and its not a proud freak stuff. Very much modern and liberal, but old fashioned where I need to be. Actually that is what people say is old fashion but in reality it isn’t. I follow Bollywood very closely but don’t get brainwashed. I am one hell of a complicated person who loves to learn and has a childlike enthusiasm. Gets bored with things easily but not relationships. Want to learn everything she finds exciting. Excited by the choice but a victim of choice too. What to do and what not to do when you want to do everything you can do.
With such personality, you know people will bitch and it’s alright completely, still it hurts. I am becoming socially unsocial. Internet, Music and being an Accounting major (because we don’t study as normal people do and we have no campus life whatsoever!) has even made it worse. I am becoming isolated. Music is my passion. Listening to old, sad and depressing songs gives me peace. Makes me think about life and what it really means and the existence of it. I am at the extreme vulnerability of becoming a depressed individual.
And this complex person wants to reach the perfection that humans can achieve, not Godly perfection but humanely yes! I have high expectations for my self. Maybe more than what others expect out of me. I guess much is expected from me. It has always been like I should be first, not in a way that I’d put someone down, but in respect to many other things. Spotlight should be on my humble soul.
I have lost my mind in search in this thinking cum worrying process. I worry a lot about the future and what it holds for me. Will I be the person that society wants me to be? Will I the daughter my parents expect me to be? Will I be the friend that one expects me to be? Planning for the future is okay but I am pushing it too far I guess.
I know you wouldn’t understand much of it. Not even if you read between the lines. I also have to read it again and tried to comprehend.
Off late, lot of chaos has entered my life. Reading my horoscope (which I do regularly), views of my palmistry cousin (who has always been right in many people’s cases that it scares the crap out of me!), debating with friends and cousins over the issues of life and thinking about my life.
While debating with my cousins, I was surprised to discover that one of them wants to go in for, self -realization, which means, in all likelihood, she may not marry at all. I have been god fearing and believe in the power of God, but self-realization is completely different, it’s about knowing yourself so well that your body, mind and your intellect cannot bother you any more. It sounds so distant and philosophical, but there is my cousin who is actually aiming to pursue it, which means she will give up most of the pleasures of life, to achieve this. And thinking deep about this made me realize that conviction towards something is most important to lead a satisfied life. I was so afraid of small challenges and small goals and here is a person who is much younger than me and she is aiming to devote rest of her life in order to pursue a goal, which she believes in. It has really made me a different person; my thinking has taken a good change.
Then there is another friend of mine, who is not keen to get married, because she thinks she herself doesn’t have answer to so many question of life that she is not in a position to give proper and un-biased guidance to her children. Though it sounds very stupid and trivial, but what it brings out is a very legitimate question and that is, do we want our children to be our mirror image or do we want them to be something of their own, because if we want them to have their own identity, then we have to understand life, beyond what we have lived, else we will teach them what we were taught, and we would not able to given them an open view of life. It made me think how biased and in-flexible I am on so many beliefs which I would impose upon other if I do not observe them in the light of logic and reality.
While talking about personality and character of an individual, it came out that most of us have been very shy and reserved kind of people throughout our childhood. We never went to the stage unless we were receiving a prize of some kind, never participated in any competition unless we were forced to join in by teachers or parents, never did any extra -curricular activities and were mostly focused on studies. And this continued until we entered college and that was the time, when most of us came out of our cocoon, when we faced the harsh world, when we were ragged, when we debated, when we fought for our views. But in my case, that was all there, but if I look back at my school days and my personality then, I feel, I was far away from the kind of personality I possesses now. I have gained enormously from working in a corporate, meeting people from different society and culture, seeing the most posh and sophisticated environment and still feeling at ease. This was the time, when I realized the minuteness of life, when I realized what weight age to give to the mundane flashy surroundings and what is the key of a good life, and I found, what Any Rand has stated very strongly in her book, “The Fountainhead”, not be slaves to other’s opinions but to have a proper understanding of your own self. You should not be told you are good; to know that you are good, you should know where you stand and you should not get swayed by other’s opinion. You should always introspect, but be truthful to your inner self. If tomorrow someone says I am a great accountant, I should know what the reality is and should not feel as a great accountant, because someone saw such greatness in me. And another thing which connects with this philosophy is modesty. When you know yourself well enough, then you do not get over-excited or deride other because of the knowledge you have. You are modest, because you do not have to show-off to anyone. You are at peace with your inner self and that is what you reflect to other, when you interact with them.
So, in short, last few days, have been a strong agitated ones, which have left many questions open to myself which I need to seek answers in order to get more clarity in my life.
Hello, howdy, hola and other assorted greetings. Having abandoned this site for God knows how long, I know some of you are probably shocked that I actually did finish this thing and started the blog. I bet, half the people from the old site probably aren’t even around anymore to be reading this. But since when have I let reality come in the way of what I do here? Plus what is the point of having imaginary friends in one’s kidhood if one cannot parlay the skill into conversations with my non-existent readers? So I shall continue.
Yes, the me is back. And the me is very busy. Of course, my disappearance had nothing to do with being busy, but I am naturally going to milk it for its worth. So instead of giving me grief for vanishing, please to be all sweet and sympathetic. Thankoo.
I’ve seriously been so busy with work and college that I hardly get time to do what I used to in my free time. Work is fine as usual, stressful at times but oh well! Like Yuks says “Life can’t be perfect” and how true, everytime I think my life is back to normal, something or the other always happens to make me believe how true that saying is. College is OK as usual. Sometimes I wish the professors wouldn’t wait till the last minute to give you all the assignments and put so much pressure on the students. I mean, seriously? Do these people not realize that we have a life? We also have work? Again, Life isn’t fair. If it was, it would be too perfect.
Most of you will notice that this site is very different from the old one as I don’t have any of my other pages up yet. It’s because I don’t feel like putting them all up. I think for now, I’m going to keep it as it as and maybe just add things here and there for the visitors, but nothing personal…at least for now. Couple of things need to be tweaked in my comments.php file and I really don’t have the energy to even open the file right now as I’m sick of looking at codes for the past three years. So if you see something really strange in the comments window, just ignore it for now. I know it’s here and I’ll get around to it eventually.
I’m thinking of adding a “Review” category to maybe review music, movies and books. What do you guys think? I know if I had that category, I would definitely talk about movies and music. There’s no two ways about that!
If any of my family members happen to be on this site, just want to say: I don’t want to hear a thing about why my layout is featuring Salman Khan! You guys should all know better than to question me when it comes to him. 
Anyways, thanks for visiting and till next time!
Anam
