I know I am deeply blessed by God.
I am kind of a loud type of person, do things which people feel weird but which are deeply satisfying and important to me as a person. Individualist and creative people are never understood. The problem is that they don’t care about what society thinks about them, a big problem for society because they ride over unnecessary social laws. I push my limits so I can extend my boundaries. I can fit in easily but still I can’t fit in. People still consider me alien or at least not a usual person. I know I am not like others and that is what makes me special and I really cherish that but I hate it when people point out my weaknesses which aren’t that important to be discussed, they are not weaknesses, just a different perspective. I talk aloud, mark my mark and leave people making them think too much. Proud to people, very humble inside and in this mix gets ignored at most of the places.
Everybody wants appreciation for their contribution and its okay and its not a proud freak stuff. Very much modern and liberal, but old fashioned where I need to be. Actually that is what people say is old fashion but in reality it isn’t. I follow Bollywood very closely but don’t get brainwashed. I am one hell of a complicated person who loves to learn and has a childlike enthusiasm. Gets bored with things easily but not relationships. Want to learn everything she finds exciting. Excited by the choice but a victim of choice too. What to do and what not to do when you want to do everything you can do.
With such personality, you know people will bitch and it’s alright completely, still it hurts. I am becoming socially unsocial. Internet, Music and being an Accounting major (because we don’t study as normal people do and we have no campus life whatsoever!) has even made it worse. I am becoming isolated. Music is my passion. Listening to old, sad and depressing songs gives me peace. Makes me think about life and what it really means and the existence of it. I am at the extreme vulnerability of becoming a depressed individual.
And this complex person wants to reach the perfection that humans can achieve, not Godly perfection but humanely yes! I have high expectations for my self. Maybe more than what others expect out of me. I guess much is expected from me. It has always been like I should be first, not in a way that I’d put someone down, but in respect to many other things. Spotlight should be on my humble soul.
I have lost my mind in search in this thinking cum worrying process. I worry a lot about the future and what it holds for me. Will I be the person that society wants me to be? Will I the daughter my parents expect me to be? Will I be the friend that one expects me to be? Planning for the future is okay but I am pushing it too far I guess.
I know you wouldn’t understand much of it. Not even if you read between the lines. I also have to read it again and tried to comprehend.
